Mama..

I don't even know how to begin to describe what I'm feeling right now.

My previous post on May 4 was about Mama, and on June 13, Mama passed away. Al-Fatihah...

Losing someone really important and mean so much, isn't easy.
I'm happy that she doesn't have to suffer anymore, I'm really grateful for that.
I'm sad that I've lost someone I could rely my strength on.. All this while, when she was suffering, I was told to be strong for her, that I cannot cry in front of her, now that she has gone, all my strength left me. I'm still going through a hard time trying to adjust that Mama is no longer with me. I've accepted that she's gone, I just couldn't help missing her every single time.

Someone told me that nearing a person's death, at least a person in the family would be able to feel it.
For the past few months before her passing, I was always missing her although she was still around. Every single place that we used to go in the past, I would see her there and started to really miss her. Every time that happened, I would ended up crying and when I reached home, I would sit next to her and just look at her to let her know I missed her. I was really grateful that Allah has opened up my heart for the past few months to be really close with her. Everyday without missing I would at least sit next to her and just look at her quietly. Who would've thought that deep inside, I know that she's leaving, it's just that I wasn't aware yet at that time.

I would be lying if I say I didn't regret for not giving my best to look after her, give her what she wanted, pay extra attention to her the way she needed and deserved to. But I can't turn back time and I won't cry over that. I can only pray that she has forgiven me for all that.

Right now, all I could do is pray for her every time I think of her and miss her and also pray to Allah to forgive all my sins and hers so she will be peaceful and could stay right beside Him.

It's just so painful that I'm missing her this much but are not able to tell her directly and she's not right in front of me.

Al-Fatihah Mama..