It's been 4 days since Mama's birthday.
But Mama is no longer around.
I'm having a breakdown in a middle of the night.
I really really miss Mama.
I just want to see her again and let her know how much I love her and ask for her forgiveness for all my wrongdoings.
I know deep inside I feel a little bit of regret, for not giving her the best I could, when I know I could've give her so much more.

Mama..

I don't even know how to begin to describe what I'm feeling right now.

My previous post on May 4 was about Mama, and on June 13, Mama passed away. Al-Fatihah...

Losing someone really important and mean so much, isn't easy.
I'm happy that she doesn't have to suffer anymore, I'm really grateful for that.
I'm sad that I've lost someone I could rely my strength on.. All this while, when she was suffering, I was told to be strong for her, that I cannot cry in front of her, now that she has gone, all my strength left me. I'm still going through a hard time trying to adjust that Mama is no longer with me. I've accepted that she's gone, I just couldn't help missing her every single time.

Someone told me that nearing a person's death, at least a person in the family would be able to feel it.
For the past few months before her passing, I was always missing her although she was still around. Every single place that we used to go in the past, I would see her there and started to really miss her. Every time that happened, I would ended up crying and when I reached home, I would sit next to her and just look at her to let her know I missed her. I was really grateful that Allah has opened up my heart for the past few months to be really close with her. Everyday without missing I would at least sit next to her and just look at her quietly. Who would've thought that deep inside, I know that she's leaving, it's just that I wasn't aware yet at that time.

I would be lying if I say I didn't regret for not giving my best to look after her, give her what she wanted, pay extra attention to her the way she needed and deserved to. But I can't turn back time and I won't cry over that. I can only pray that she has forgiven me for all that.

Right now, all I could do is pray for her every time I think of her and miss her and also pray to Allah to forgive all my sins and hers so she will be peaceful and could stay right beside Him.

It's just so painful that I'm missing her this much but are not able to tell her directly and she's not right in front of me.

Al-Fatihah Mama..

Mama, forgive me.

It has seriously been a while since I blogged. I've been thinking of coming back here, but I never did.
There's just no extra time to do it and I don't even bother to find some.
I just got back from Penang trip with friends and the whole 3 days and 2 nights trip, I've been thinking about my parents a lot, my mom especially.
The past one year has been a real struggle to me. I've learnt a lot and all in hard ways. I never thought I would aged this way, my mind that is. And all my priorities as well.
I had never expected things to turn out this way and I never thought it would be this soon.
And I thought I would be a really good daughter when it happened.
I was not. and I was not proud of it.
All this while I've been reading and hearing things about how children took care of their sick parents and some are not in the nice ways.
I always vowed that I would take care of mine properly and give them what they needed when the time comes.
How wrong I was and I've learnt it the hard way. And I'm thankful that I've realized them soon before everything's is too late.
I did what I could but it was not enough. I know I could've done so much more to prevent her from becoming worse, yet I let it happened.

It's true that you'll appreciate them more when they're not around you.
Yes, my mom is still here but, she's in the current condition.
All our memories came to me bits by bits, reminding me of all the time we've spent together.
I've really missed her and still am missing her so much.
I would do anything do turn back time so I would appreciate and cherish her more.

It was few days ago that I was told by someone that it's still not too late.
I could still bring her back and I've beginning to have faith and hope for us.
I'm still not ready until I've given all my best to fulfill whatever she wants.

Thank you Allah for still giving me the chance.